I took this picture on Wednesday the 6th, three days before I started to miscarry. I laugh because since the day we found out , which was June 23rd our 4th wedding anniversary, I had taken 10 tests total! I think I did that not only because I was in shock, but also because I think I really liked seeing the positive lines become positive and on the picture above, I liked seeing the words “pregnant.”
Paul and I always knew eventually we would have a child but we were never in a rush. We love and adore our niece and nephews, but that was the extent of our involvement with kids.
On the night of the 23rd, I decided to take a test, but knowing that there was no way I would be pregnant. Well, when the test read positive, I sat there for a moment, slowly walked into the living room, and Paul, while sitting on the couch, said, “Are you pregnant?” and I said “yes.” I immediately started bawling my eyes out and sat on my sweet husbands lap as he sweetly encouraged me and said everything was going to be okay. We held each other for quite a while until I finally calmed down and attempted to sleep.
According to the calendar, I was approximately, 9 weeks along. The next morning I made an appointment and was scheduled on July 8th, which was forever away I thought!
We made plans not to tell many people before we had our first appointment and confirm it by ultrasound. But, we were anxious to tell our immediate family.
We had previously made plans to visit our family in Oklahoma that next week, the week that Solomon would be born. I was so conflicted to not tell them or to tell them….but ultimately we decided to and they were all excited. We also phoned Paul’s family and his mother squealed so loudly and it made my heart so happy to know how happy she was. It was so sweet to surprise everyone, especially when they would never think we would be pregnant at this time.
I had been dealing with a lot of nausea for a while before I found out, but I always thought it was my medication that I was taking. It was about a week after I found out that I REALLY started becoming nauseated, bloated, sore chest, vomited a bit, and was SO tired ALL the time. It was miserable…..I never knew it would really be this bad.
Paul was at a youth camp for a whole week, from July 4th to July 9th. It was such a hard week because my sister and her family wouldn’t be back till July 7th also. So, I was so sick and miserable, while being all alone 😦
I first became anxious, because at the beginning of the week, I was about 11 weeks along, but I started having some cramps and although it wasn’t blood, there was “stuff” that appeared (I will keep it G rated). I rested even more and tried to provide my baby good nourishment even though I had to force myself to eat and drink, but I did it!
The symptoms slowed down quite a bit and with a lot of prayer, I felt peaceful about everything and trusted it was all alright. I did call the nurse at the OB office to express my concerns, but she also reassured me it was okay.
On the 8th, it wasn’t an exciting first visit, but I got registered, picked my OB Dr. , had labs drawn, and received lots of fun baby stuff. When I got home I opened everything right away and also started reading the book, “What to Expect when you are Expecting”. My mother in-law, Penny, mailed it to me earlier in the week and wrote a sweet note inside that said, “To our two favorite expectant parents. With love from, Granna and Grandpa Bain.”
I went back into work on Saturday and felt miserable as ever! I got sick twice before I even went into work and hardly could eat anything. I did survive and was at the end of the shift, but in the middle of report all of a sudden I knew something was wrong.
I ran into the nearest bathroom and much to my dismay things were wrong. I opened the door and my dear friend was right outside the door. I grabbed her and told her what was wrong and she sweetly told me to go to the lounge and she would call the ER. I gathered my belongings, my charge nurse told me she would finish giving report for me, and me and my friend walked down to the ER and they directed me immediately to my room.
I called Paul who had just gotten into town and he so sweetly left immediately to come to my rescue. My friend stayed with me until he arrived.
I had an IV started, they drew blood, did all the admission stuff, I put on my lovely hospital gown, and waited. There was LOTS of waiting. I was admitted at 7 and didn’t get home till almost 1 am.
It was a very discouraging visit because there were so many unanswered questions and guesses. Did I really miscarry or what!?! At one put during the ultrasound, the OB Dr. said, ” I think I see something in there.” Very comforting. I left knowing that Jesus is still in control and He could turn things around and save this baby.
Sunday morning I received a phone call from yet another OB Dr. and she asked to see if they could draw my labs again to see my HCG levels. In the ER they were 27,000, and if the levels went down, it would indicate for sure a miscarriage. Well, a few hours later she called back and said they increased! BUT, they wanted me to come in first thing Monday morning to have another ultrasound to make sure nothing further was wrong.
Monday morning came, I had the ultrasound, I didn’t see anything, and the Dr. came in and confirmed for sure no more baby and no heartbeat. So, I was sent home with medication to empty what was left inside.
Here we are today, second round of medications and doing okay. I hope next week at my appointment everything is clear and I won’t have to have a procedure done.
After writing all of this, it is still so hard to grasp.
I knew I had life inside of me. I felt it, every minute of everyday. The nausea, the sickness, not being able to fit into my jeans, being tired all the time reminded me of the life that was growing. Looking back I am thankful for the reminders of pregnancy…..as terrible as they may have felt at the time.
I know that I was only about 11 weeks, but I firmly believe that at the moment of conception, life is born. For 11 weeks, I had a life inside of me. So sweet. So amazing.
I had dreams of a sweet new life of a family of 3. I was excited that I would be able to experience pregnancy during the wintertime and I was excited to celebrate the new year with a baby. I was excited to partner with my husband in this huge adventure and I KNEW Paul was going to be such an outstanding father. We even picked out names and I would day-dream about him/her. I had dreams of babies and birth and tried to connect with this little one before I could see them on the ultrasound. I SO desperately wanted to see them and hear their heartbeat. But we never got the chance.
This week has been good in some ways and very numbing in a lot of ways. I can’t believe how quickly something can be snatched from you. There has been a lot of resting, a lot of crying and a lot of holding each other close. We are sad, but as my husband has said many times, “We are going to make beautiful babies one day.” I know we will, I just wish it started with this little one.
So today, I no longer am nauseated and definitely have my appetite back. I am no longer sore, and what was inside me is now no longer.
We must move onward, we will move onward, but never forget this short and sweet time.
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do