Postpartum healing take 2

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I spent many months studying, exercising and envisioning the birth of my Joshua back in 2013.
Looking back, it was more beautiful and perfect than I ever imagined. I assumed postpartum, that it would be the same….boy was I wrong.

The high of natural childbirth quickly wore off and I was a groggy eyed, hormonal, zombie that had no clue what she was doing.

Don’t get me wrong, I did have excellent support from my husband,  my parents,  my sister and my in-laws, but the key thing with help, is that you actually need to let them help! I didn’t with Joshua and I (we) suffered greatly from healing, severe fatigue,  poor breastfeeding and ultimately from depression.

I knew when I became pregnant with our daughter,  that I wanted it, no, it had to be different.

To spare you a lengthy post, it was different. You see, my mom recently resigned from her job which gave her freedom to be with me. My sister also was able to stay a week with us too.

Never have I been more humbled and more grateful that someone would lay down their schedules,  life, sleep,  etc to help me and my family recover properly.

It has almost been 3 weeks now and I will be heading home today with my family of 4.
Although still fatigued, it isn’t an overwhelming fatigue.  I feel healed, rested, well fed, loved and ready to face the coming days, weeks,  and months. My son has been well loved and cared for during this time which has been HUGE for my heart.

Because of this opportunity,  I have been up and around more quickly and my body feels great!

Please friends,  I encourage you, if you know someone who is needing postpartum care of any kind, please jump on that opportunity. Don’t tell them if they need anything to call, because it doesn’t work that way. Just DO something/anything.

It doesn’t have to be renting a house for a month and caring for them 24/7 like in my situation, but it needs to be something.

I am truly so grateful and extremely lucky that my parents and sister chose to bless me in this way. I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

Please know that as mothers we feel the
need to do it all, but we can’t do it effectively if we aren’t well.

My Savior God has come to thee

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Last night Paul and I had the privilege of attending Saturday evening service at Ecclesia with our dear friends.

It has been awhile since I have been to a church service and it was much-needed. I have been carrying a load of sorrow for a while now and when I started praising the Lord amongst others who love Him just as much as I do, His grace covered me and brought me back to Him. I have felt the Holy Spirit inviting me to Communion and I honestly felt too hurt to accept.

Life can be overwhelmingly cruel.

Women I meet are getting diagnosed with breast cancer and treated everyday. Breast cancer is more than a pink ribbon worn on shirts or the  bracelets that say ” I heart boobies” from the Keep a Breast Campaign. It’s a raw, vulnerable, scary disease that is taking the women and men that we love and care for.
Our worship leader was diagnosed with  bladder cancer very recent and underwent surgery. Yet, he was still singing and leading us in a beautiful time of worship.

Along with him was our pastor, he had just  lost his father in-law to a heart attack the day before. He was there, along with his children, without his wife who was on a plane home. Yet, he was still preaching to us, his community.
And here I was, standing along with my sweet husband, desperate for communion with our Creator and  our one love despite having our second miscarriage just 2 weeks ago. Still raw, still vulnerable, still hurt.

The one truth that remains, is that although life is cruel, our Creator is NOT.

As I read today and listen to music that stirs my soul, I am reminded again of His grace.

Robbie Seay sings a song that we sang in worship last night and I can’t get it off my mind today:

Oh, love that will not let me go
I rest my weary soul in thee
I give you back this life I owe
and in your ocean depths its flow
may richer, fuller be

Oh, light that follows all my way
I yield my flickering torch to thee
and my heart restores its borrowed ray
that in your sunshine’s blaze its day
may brighter, fairer be

And rejoice, my heart! rejoice, my soul!
my Savior, God, has come to thee
Rejoice, my heart! you’ve been made whole
by a love that will not let me go

Oh, joy, that seeks me through the pain
I cannot close my heart to thee
I trace the rainbow through the rain
and feel the promise is not vain
that morn shall tearless be

Sing, rejoice, my heart! rejoice, my soul!
my Savior, God, has come to thee
Rejoice, my heart! you’ve been made whole
by a love that will not let me go
it’s a love that will not let me go

And my sweet friend gave me a book to read called, “Bittersweet” by Shauna Niequist and it was given to me at such a perfect time.
Let me give you a passage from the book:
“I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything’s easy. I believe that loss and emptiness and confusion often give way to new fullness and wisdom.”

As I was cleaning earlier, I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me and say, ” The same God that formed the two babies in your womb is the same God that formed Jonah, River,Anna, Shepherd and Solomon (my niece and nephews). They show you everyday how good I am”

For that I am grateful. His grace makes me grateful. His gift of life makes me grateful. Even the death we experience here on earth makes me grateful.

May the wounds of life give us fullness and wisdom and deeper love for our Creator.

Every good and perfect thing is from above.

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I took this picture on Wednesday the 6th, three days before I started to miscarry. I laugh because since the day we found out , which was June 23rd our 4th wedding anniversary, I had taken 10 tests total! I think I did that not only because I was in shock, but also because I think I really liked seeing the positive lines become positive and on the picture above, I liked seeing the words “pregnant.”

Paul and I always knew eventually we would have a child but we were never in a rush. We love and adore our niece and nephews, but that was the extent of our involvement with kids.

On the night of the 23rd, I decided to take a test, but knowing that there was no way I would be pregnant. Well, when the test read positive, I sat there for a moment, slowly walked into the living room, and Paul, while sitting on the couch, said, “Are you pregnant?” and I said “yes.” I immediately started bawling my eyes out and sat on my sweet husbands lap as he sweetly encouraged me and said everything was going to be okay. We held each other for quite a while until I finally calmed down and attempted to sleep.

According to the calendar, I was approximately, 9 weeks along. The next morning I made an appointment and was scheduled on July 8th, which was forever away I thought!

We made plans not to tell many people before we had our first appointment and confirm it by ultrasound. But, we were anxious to tell our immediate family.
We had previously made plans to visit our family in Oklahoma that next week, the week that Solomon would be born. I was so conflicted to not tell them or to tell them….but ultimately we decided to and they were all excited. We also phoned Paul’s family and his mother squealed so loudly and it made my heart so happy to know how happy she was. It was so sweet to surprise everyone, especially when they would never think we would be pregnant at this time.

I had been dealing with a lot of nausea for a while before I found out, but I always thought it was my medication that I was taking. It was about a week after I found out that I REALLY started becoming nauseated, bloated, sore chest, vomited a bit, and was SO tired ALL the time. It was miserable…..I never knew it would really be this bad.

Paul was at a youth camp for a whole week, from July 4th to July 9th. It was such a hard week because my sister and her family wouldn’t be back till July 7th also. So, I was so sick and miserable, while being all alone😦

I first became anxious, because at the beginning of the week, I was about 11 weeks along, but I started having some cramps and although it wasn’t blood, there was “stuff” that appeared (I will keep it G rated). I rested even more and tried to provide my baby good nourishment even though I had to force myself to eat and drink, but I did it!

The symptoms slowed down quite a bit and with a lot of prayer, I felt peaceful about everything and trusted it was all alright. I did call the nurse at the OB office to express my concerns, but she also reassured me it was okay.
On the 8th, it wasn’t an exciting first visit, but I got registered, picked my OB Dr. , had labs drawn, and received lots of fun baby stuff. When I got home I opened everything right away and also started reading the book, “What to Expect when you are Expecting”.  My mother in-law, Penny, mailed it to me earlier in the week and wrote a sweet note inside that said, “To our two favorite expectant parents. With love from, Granna and Grandpa Bain.”

I went back into work on Saturday and felt miserable as ever! I got sick twice before I even went into work and hardly could eat anything. I did survive and was at the end of the shift, but  in the middle of report all of a sudden I knew something was wrong.
I ran into the nearest bathroom and much to my dismay things were wrong. I opened the door and my dear friend was right outside the door. I grabbed her and told her what was wrong and she sweetly told me to go to the lounge and she would call the ER. I gathered my belongings, my charge nurse told me she would finish giving report for me, and me and my friend walked down to the ER and they directed me immediately to my room.
I called Paul who had just gotten into town and he so sweetly left immediately to come to my rescue. My friend stayed with me until he arrived.

I had an IV started, they drew blood, did all the admission stuff, I put on my lovely hospital gown, and waited. There was LOTS of waiting. I was admitted at 7 and didn’t get home till almost 1 am.
It was a very discouraging visit because there were so many unanswered questions and guesses. Did I really miscarry or what!?! At one put during the ultrasound, the OB Dr. said, ” I think I see something in there.” Very comforting. I left knowing that Jesus is still in control and He could turn things around and save this baby.

Sunday morning I received a phone call from yet another OB Dr. and she asked to see if they could draw my labs again to see my HCG levels. In the ER they were 27,000, and if the levels went down, it would indicate for sure a miscarriage. Well, a few hours later she called back and said they increased! BUT, they wanted me to come in first thing Monday morning to have another ultrasound to make sure nothing further was wrong.

Monday morning came, I had the ultrasound, I didn’t see anything, and the Dr. came in and confirmed for sure no more baby and no heartbeat. So, I was sent home with medication to empty what was left inside.

Here we are today, second round of medications and doing okay. I hope next week at my appointment everything is clear and I won’t have to have a procedure done.

After writing all of this, it is still so hard to grasp.

I knew I had life inside of me. I felt it, every minute of everyday. The nausea, the sickness, not being able to fit into my jeans, being tired all the time reminded me of the life that was growing. Looking back I am thankful for the reminders of pregnancy…..as terrible as they may have felt at the time.

I know that I was only about 11 weeks, but I firmly believe that at the moment of conception, life is born. For 11 weeks, I had a life inside of me. So sweet. So amazing.

I had dreams of a sweet new life of a family of 3. I was excited that I would be able to experience pregnancy during the wintertime and I was excited to celebrate the new year with a baby. I was excited to partner with my husband in this huge adventure and I KNEW Paul was going to be such an outstanding father. We even picked out names and I would day-dream about him/her. I had dreams of babies and birth and tried to connect with this little one before I could see them on the ultrasound. I SO desperately wanted to see them and hear their heartbeat. But we never got the chance.

This week has been good in some ways and very numbing in a lot of ways. I can’t believe how quickly something can be snatched from you. There has been a lot of resting, a lot of crying and a lot of holding each other close. We are sad, but as my husband has said many times, “We are going to make beautiful babies one day.” I know we will, I just wish it started with this little one.

So today, I no longer am nauseated and definitely have my appetite back. I am no longer sore, and what was inside me is now no longer.

We must move onward, we will move onward, but never forget this short and sweet time.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do

Advocate

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One of my favorite songs by far, is “Advocate” by my brother in-law Justin. When I listen to it, it moves me from the inside out and I feel like I can take on the world, because the Lord is my advocate. Who can harm me or be against me when HE is for me?

I am the silent type.  But, show me a cause or a person who needs an advocate, then I am all over it.

My dad is a Lieutenant  firefighter. One year, the city threatened to take away the Maltese Cross symbol. When I heard about this  I was distraught. How could they possibly take away such a beautiful and strong symbol that honored firefighters, especially my daddy. I LOVE my dad, I really do! The moment I heard that someone was going to take away his symbol, I wrote an e-mail. I don’t even remember who it was to, but it was to someone who held a high position in the little town of Stillwater. I am sure my dad would be able to tell me who I sent it to, because the very next day they spoke with my dad and shared the e-mail to him.
I was kind of embarrassed because I thought that I got him in trouble. But, dangit, somebody had to say something, and boy did I do that.

I share that story because I love advocating for people I love and believe in.

Sometimes in my trials I struggle with letting God be my advocate or my sweet husbands advocate.
Sometimes I don’t understand how people can be so cruel. I feel like I need to step in and set these people straight, give them a piece of my mind. As much as that would make me feel better, it would probably do no good, nor is it what we are commanded to do.

I have been searching for verses to set me straight and fix my eyes and heart to the One who knows all and heals all.

Ephesians 4:29-32 says,

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

It reads, “Let NO corrupting talk come out of your mouths” It doesn’t give exceptions.

What we do and say can profoundly effect the person you are directing it to.

Next time you want to be sarcastic or you want to throw in just one more “jab”, remember that it hurts that person and they carry that heavy weight along and they bring it home with them.

Just a thought.

 

A great October.

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Hello friends,

October has sadly left us, but I am already looking forward to next October. I think October has to be my favorite month. It has near perfect temperatures, the colors are warm, the smells are uplifting, the magazine covers are exciting and the recipes are hearty and fulfilling.
October also has brought forth a lot of change here in the Bain household and its exciting to finally feel peace.

The biggest change for myself has been my work schedule. I was working the night shift, which is 7pm-7am. Most people agree that as newbies we have to endure this dreaded shift for quite sometime. Although in the beginning I thought I would LOVE the night life, it was nothing as I imagined.
My life didn’t work with everyone else around me, especially my husbands schedule. I never saw anyone and was always tired during the day and awake all night, by myself. It was such a lonely time for me spiritually, emotionally and physically. Loneliness was a badge I was wearing for a good 3 1/2 months.
So, I decided to request for the day shift and within 3 weeks I started! I am only about a week into it, and I feel refreshed and able. I feel like I will be able to take on my role as a wife, friend, sister, daughter with a lot more patience, love, grace, and thoughtfulness. It is such a sad time in life when you aren’t able to give but want so badly to. Its hard when your body doesn’t allow you to do want your mind and heart crave to do.
This season in life is such a treacherous learning time but I am learning and leaning on Him so much more.

A few noteworthy things have happened in October and I would like to share them🙂

The day after my last night shift, I left for a camping trip with our youth group to Caprock Canyon.
These young men and women were full of life and excitement, which in turn made me feel young and carefree again. It was a time to relax and just enjoy each others company.
There was hiking, campfires, roasting marshmallows, capture the flag, great food and tents shared with friends.
It was nice to getaway and be involved, even if my part was a small one. Here are a few pictures:

Our guys played a lot of football

We have amazing parents who love to tag along!

Love them!

Then, for Halloween, our church did its 2nd Annual Trunk-Or-Treat. Last year Paul and I didn’t really do anything exciting with our trunk, nor did we dress up. So this year we wanted to do something fun and creative. Like I said in my last post, Paul dressed up as Charlie Brown, and I was Lucy.  It was SO much fun! I love stuff like this. And I love that my husband loves it too. He is the greatest side kick and feel so darn lucky to have him in my life. Here are a few fun pictures:

For Charlie🙂

My man, building a dog house for Snoopy. He's pretty much amazing.

🙂

We won first place by the way....please excuse my head, it decided to cave in🙂

It’s the great pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

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For a few months, Paul and I have been brainstorming about what are theme should be for Trunk – 0r- Treat this year.

Paul is going to be Charlie Brown and I will be Lucy! I ordered our costumes yesterday and they are adorable! The costume comes with a mask of their faces, so it won’t just be the outfits they wear. We are planning on designing the red doghouse to go around and over our truck bed and add a snoopy dog and pumpkins to tie everything together!

We are SO excited!!!! We haven’t dressed up or decorated our trunk like this before, so it will be so fun to do!

I just LOVE Halloween! It’s always fun to see how creative people get and to see how people decorate their trunks or homes. Bring on the candy and fun!

Can’t wait to see how it all comes together!

Until next time,

Robyn