I took this picture on Wednesday the 6th, three days before I started to miscarry. I laugh because since the day we found out , which was June 23rd our 4th wedding anniversary, I had taken 10 tests total! I think I did that not only because I was in shock, but also because I think I really liked seeing the positive lines become positive and on the picture above, I liked seeing the words “pregnant.”

Paul and I always knew eventually we would have a child but we were never in a rush. We love and adore our niece and nephews, but that was the extent of our involvement with kids.

On the night of the 23rd, I decided to take a test, but knowing that there was no way I would be pregnant. Well, when the test read positive, I sat there for a moment, slowly walked into the living room, and Paul, while sitting on the couch, said, “Are you pregnant?” and I said “yes.” I immediately started bawling my eyes out and sat on my sweet husbands lap as he sweetly encouraged me and said everything was going to be okay. We held each other for quite a while until I finally calmed down and attempted to sleep.

According to the calendar, I was approximately, 9 weeks along. The next morning I made an appointment and was scheduled on July 8th, which was forever away I thought!

We made plans not to tell many people before we had our first appointment and confirm it by ultrasound. But, we were anxious to tell our immediate family.
We had previously made plans to visit our family in Oklahoma that next week, the week that Solomon would be born. I was so conflicted to not tell them or to tell them….but ultimately we decided to and they were all excited. We also phoned Paul’s family and his mother squealed so loudly and it made my heart so happy to know how happy she was. It was so sweet to surprise everyone, especially when they would never think we would be pregnant at this time.

I had been dealing with a lot of nausea for a while before I found out, but I always thought it was my medication that I was taking. It was about a week after I found out that I REALLY started becoming nauseated, bloated, sore chest, vomited a bit, and was SO tired ALL the time. It was miserable…..I never knew it would really be this bad.

Paul was at a youth camp for a whole week, from July 4th to July 9th. It was such a hard week because my sister and her family wouldn’t be back till July 7th also. So, I was so sick and miserable, while being all alone

I first became anxious, because at the beginning of the week, I was about 11 weeks along, but I started having some cramps and although it wasn’t blood, there was “stuff” that appeared (I will keep it G rated). I rested even more and tried to provide my baby good nourishment even though I had to force myself to eat and drink, but I did it!

The symptoms slowed down quite a bit and with a lot of prayer, I felt peaceful about everything and trusted it was all alright. I did call the nurse at the OB office to express my concerns, but she also reassured me it was okay.
On the 8th, it wasn’t an exciting first visit, but I got registered, picked my OB Dr. , had labs drawn, and received lots of fun baby stuff. When I got home I opened everything right away and also started reading the book, “What to Expect when you are Expecting”.  My mother in-law, Penny, mailed it to me earlier in the week and wrote a sweet note inside that said, “To our two favorite expectant parents. With love from, Granna and Grandpa Bain.”

I went back into work on Saturday and felt miserable as ever! I got sick twice before I even went into work and hardly could eat anything. I did survive and was at the end of the shift, but  in the middle of report all of a sudden I knew something was wrong.
I ran into the nearest bathroom and much to my dismay things were wrong. I opened the door and my dear friend was right outside the door. I grabbed her and told her what was wrong and she sweetly told me to go to the lounge and she would call the ER. I gathered my belongings, my charge nurse told me she would finish giving report for me, and me and my friend walked down to the ER and they directed me immediately to my room.
I called Paul who had just gotten into town and he so sweetly left immediately to come to my rescue. My friend stayed with me until he arrived.

I had an IV started, they drew blood, did all the admission stuff, I put on my lovely hospital gown, and waited. There was LOTS of waiting. I was admitted at 7 and didn’t get home till almost 1 am.
It was a very discouraging visit because there were so many unanswered questions and guesses. Did I really miscarry or what!?! At one put during the ultrasound, the OB Dr. said, ” I think I see something in there.” Very comforting. I left knowing that Jesus is still in control and He could turn things around and save this baby.

Sunday morning I received a phone call from yet another OB Dr. and she asked to see if they could draw my labs again to see my HCG levels. In the ER they were 27,000, and if the levels went down, it would indicate for sure a miscarriage. Well, a few hours later she called back and said they increased! BUT, they wanted me to come in first thing Monday morning to have another ultrasound to make sure nothing further was wrong.

Monday morning came, I had the ultrasound, I didn’t see anything, and the Dr. came in and confirmed for sure no more baby and no heartbeat. So, I was sent home with medication to empty what was left inside.

Here we are today, second round of medications and doing okay. I hope next week at my appointment everything is clear and I won’t have to have a procedure done.

After writing all of this, it is still so hard to grasp.

I knew I had life inside of me. I felt it, every minute of everyday. The nausea, the sickness, not being able to fit into my jeans, being tired all the time reminded me of the life that was growing. Looking back I am thankful for the reminders of pregnancy…..as terrible as they may have felt at the time.

I know that I was only about 11 weeks, but I firmly believe that at the moment of conception, life is born. For 11 weeks, I had a life inside of me. So sweet. So amazing.

I had dreams of a sweet new life of a family of 3. I was excited that I would be able to experience pregnancy during the wintertime and I was excited to celebrate the new year with a baby. I was excited to partner with my husband in this huge adventure and I KNEW Paul was going to be such an outstanding father. We even picked out names and I would day-dream about him/her. I had dreams of babies and birth and tried to connect with this little one before I could see them on the ultrasound. I SO desperately wanted to see them and hear their heartbeat. But we never got the chance.

This week has been good in some ways and very numbing in a lot of ways. I can’t believe how quickly something can be snatched from you. There has been a lot of resting, a lot of crying and a lot of holding each other close. We are sad, but as my husband has said many times, “We are going to make beautiful babies one day.” I know we will, I just wish it started with this little one.

So today, I no longer am nauseated and definitely have my appetite back. I am no longer sore, and what was inside me is now no longer.

We must move onward, we will move onward, but never forget this short and sweet time.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do

Wellspring is defined as:

1.) The source of a spring or stream
2.) A source of continual or abundant supply

Every thing in your life comes from your heart. It is the source of our life. Wow.

The heart manifests itself in many ways. It can be in the form of jealousy, bitterness, anger, and how we conduct ourselves each day.

What is wrong with my heart?

My husband and I have been blessed abundantly and the Lord has grown us each day, especially my husband. I have seen him pursue the Lord with passion and obedience and I have seen him pray for people each day. I see how he handles situations the way the Lord would want him to conduct himself. And I witness how he runs his youth ministry with great hope and love for these students to really know the Lord and His heart towards them. I love being his wife. I love seeing what he is like 24/7. No one else knows him like I do, except for the Lord. There have been many times when I witness something that Paul does and it causes me to repent or it causes me to mimic his actions. Marriage is such a sweet union and I am so thankful that God chose me to witness Paul’s life.

But, great love can cause great passion, especially when faced with unpleasant situations. For many months I have felt pinned in a corner, left and right getting attacked with words or accusations. Even if they weren’t directed at me, I took them personally because Paul and I are one. Unfortunately, when pushed in the corner too much, you start to fight back because you have reached your limit, you say, “I am fed up! ” You start to push back or that anger and bitterness and offense start to intensify within you, within your heart.

Lately, I haven’t reigned in what has been taking place in my heart. Once you continue to feed your heart each day with anger, resentment, hurt, your life will start to act on those feelings.

Matthew 5:16 says, “If you do not forgive others their sin, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Ouch.

All along I felt justified to feel how I felt and act in anger and hurt, because if anyone knew how wrong and ignorant they were, it would be me. I also thought that Jesus would see how justified I was and give me permission to set them straight and show them how wrong they were.

But I am not the one to step in and correct. I do not have that authority.

Matthew 5:16 doesn’t give you an option. It doesn’t say, “Robyn, you can forgive these people for this offense, but this other offense over here you can hold on to.”

Nope, Jesus means the whole thing.

All. Of. It.

Darnit.

John Piper says, “the solution is not to fix the other person. The solution is to gain a heart that is overflowingly thankful for grace from Christ and that spills over with grace towards others.” He also says, “Most of our bitterness and anger towards others is rooted in an inability to be profoundly amazed at Christ’s love for us in our sin.”

So,the message I need to take away today is, I need to guard my heart from bitterness, anger, offense, unforgiveness because I can’t live my life abundantly. Because with them I will not see Christs forgiveness towards me and my sin and they will inhibit my inability to forgive others and in turn Christ will not continue to forgive me.

Man, what a hard truth to live out, especially if you feel justified.

Jesus, please forgive me. And guide me towards forgiveness towards them.

I am the silent type.  But, show me a cause or a person who needs an advocate, then I am all over it.

My dad is a Lieutenant  firefighter. One year, the city threatened to take away the Maltese Cross symbol. When I heard about this  I was distraught. How could they possibly take away such a beautiful and strong symbol that honored firefighters, especially my daddy. I LOVE my dad, I really do! The moment I heard that someone was going to take away his symbol, I wrote an e-mail. I don’t even remember who it was to, but it was to someone who held a high position in the little town of Stillwater. I am sure my dad would be able to tell me who I sent it to, because the very next day they spoke with my dad and shared the e-mail to him.
I was kind of embarrassed because I thought that I got him in trouble. But, dangit, somebody had to say something, and boy did I do that.

I share that story because I love advocating for people I love and believe in.

Sometimes in my trials I struggle with letting God be my advocate or my sweet husbands advocate.
Sometimes I don’t understand how people can be so cruel. I feel like I need to step in and set these people straight, give them a piece of my mind. As much as that would make me feel better, it would probably do no good, nor is it what we are commanded to do.

I have been searching for verses to set me straight and fix my eyes and heart to the One who knows all and heals all.

Ephesians 4:29-32 says,

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

It reads, “Let NO corrupting talk come out of your mouths” It doesn’t give exceptions.

What we do and say can profoundly effect the person you are directing it to.

Next time you want to be sarcastic or you want to throw in just one more “jab”, remember that it hurts that person and they carry that heavy weight along and they bring it home with them.

Just a thought.

I am not happy in my current job situation. I love my calling in life, I love the people I work with, but the floor is a chaotic circus most days. Nursing is hard, duh. You work hard the minute you step on the floor. You may not get a break, you may have lunch at 4:30, and you may not have used the restroom the whole day. You may have 3 out of 5 confused patients at a time or you may have 3 out of 5 patients who are incontinent, which means they aren’t able to control their bladder or bowl movements, or you may have 5 new orders that need done now, but at that moment you have a direct admission that just arrived to your floor and you have labs, IV starts, medication history, papers to sign, medical history, oh, and in the middle of all of that, transportation comes to take them away for a test that may take awhile and now your admission draws out longer than it should and you end up staying late because you just ran out of time to finish. OR your nurse aides aren’t willing to help you and you are alone, but you can’t find help because the other nurses are swamped just like you are and you are alone.
Most days I don’t even know which way is up. Most days I give up before an hour even goes by.

I have been battling. I am not able to sleep anymore, I have anxiety that effects everything; physically, emotionally, mentally, and I am looking for ways to “fix” me. I have tried every natural sleeping aid product and then every OTC product and even was placed on an anti-depressant because I just don’t know what to do.
This past weekend, I snapped. One of those moments when other circumstances arose on top of work issues and I hadn’t seen my husband very much and knew it would be a few days before I did see him.
And. I. Cried. I cried like I never cried before. I wailed with sadness.
I don’t write these intimate details to have someone feel sorry for me, but to bring you forward with me to today.

It is a quiet day today. Beautiful and sunny. I am hopeful and optimistic.

As I was going about my day, these words were spoken to me: “Robyn, when will I be enough?”

I have been striving for the dream job, I have been striving for fellowship with other women and I have been striving to make my marriage better. But I realize I am not including Jesus in any of it. I am not working, loving, or acting like Jesus is enough for me- I am counting on every other earthly thing to be enough for me.

Take a look at Luke 9:10-17, Jesus feeds the five thousand.

“On their return the apostles told Him all that they had done.  And He took them and withdrew apart to a town called Bethsaida.  When the crowds learned it, they followed Him, and He welcomed them and spoke to them of the kingdom of God and cured those who had need of healing.  Now the day began to wear away, and the twelve came and said to Him, ‘Send the crowds away to go into the surrounding villages and countryside to find lodging and get provisions, for we are here in a desolate place.’  But He said to them, ‘You give them something to eat.’  They said, ‘We have no more than five loaves and two fish – unless we are to go and buy food for all these people.’  For there were about five thousand men.  And He said to His disciples, ‘Have them sit down in groups of about fifty each.’  And they did so, and had them all sit down.  And taking the five loaves and the two fish, He looked up to heaven and He said a blessing over them.  Then He broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples to set before the crowd.  And they all ate and were satisfied.  And what was left over was picked up, twelve baskets of broken pieces.”

Jesus turns to His disciples in verse 13 and He tells them, “You give them something to eat.”  The disciples response is, “How?  We can’t.  We can’t do what You’re asking us to do.  We can’t feed all of these people.”  But Jesus’ response is, “No problem.  I can.”   Jesus didn’t ask His disciples to do this because He thought that they were able to do this on their own; He did this to make a point.  You see, the disciples recognition of their inability to carry out Jesus’ command is not incidental to Jesus’ reason for asking them to carry out the command.  In fact, it’s precisely the point.  Jesus wants His disciples to understand that they don’t have what people need, only He does.  And they can’t give what people need, only He can.

Each day is a battle, some days will be easier than others. Some days you will be joyful and other days you will have to fight for your joy. Rest with me friends, rest in the truth that Jesus is enough to take you through each day you face. He doesn’t ask you to do it alone, because He knows we can’t. He is the way, the truth, the light, our strength, our foundation, our fortress and it goes on and on. No one else in this world has what we need, only HE does.

John 7:38:
Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.”

October has sadly left us, but I am already looking forward to next October. I think October has to be my favorite month. It has near perfect temperatures, the colors are warm, the smells are uplifting, the magazine covers are exciting and the recipes are hearty and fulfilling.
October also has brought forth a lot of change here in the Bain household and its exciting to finally feel peace.

The biggest change for myself has been my work schedule. I was working the night shift, which is 7pm-7am. Most people agree that as newbies we have to endure this dreaded shift for quite sometime. Although in the beginning I thought I would LOVE the night life, it was nothing as I imagined.
My life didn’t work with everyone else around me, especially my husbands schedule. I never saw anyone and was always tired during the day and awake all night, by myself. It was such a lonely time for me spiritually, emotionally and physically. Loneliness was a badge I was wearing for a good 3 1/2 months.
So, I decided to request for the day shift and within 3 weeks I started! I am only about a week into it, and I feel refreshed and able. I feel like I will be able to take on my role as a wife, friend, sister, daughter with a lot more patience, love, grace, and thoughtfulness. It is such a sad time in life when you aren’t able to give but want so badly to. Its hard when your body doesn’t allow you to do want your mind and heart crave to do.
This season in life is such a treacherous learning time but I am learning and leaning on Him so much more.

A few noteworthy things have happened in October and I would like to share them

The day after my last night shift, I left for a camping trip with our youth group to Caprock Canyon.
These young men and women were full of life and excitement, which in turn made me feel young and carefree again. It was a time to relax and just enjoy each others company.
There was hiking, campfires, roasting marshmallows, capture the flag, great food and tents shared with friends.
It was nice to getaway and be involved, even if my part was a small one. Here are a few pictures:

Our guys played a lot of football

Love them!

Then, for Halloween, our church did its 2nd Annual Trunk-Or-Treat. Last year Paul and I didn’t really do anything exciting with our trunk, nor did we dress up. So this year we wanted to do something fun and creative. Like I said in my last post, Paul dressed up as Charlie Brown, and I was Lucy.  It was SO much fun! I love stuff like this. And I love that my husband loves it too. He is the greatest side kick and feel so darn lucky to have him in my life. Here are a few fun pictures:

For Charlie

My man, building a dog house for Snoopy. He's pretty much amazing.

:)

We won first place by the way....please excuse my head, it decided to cave in

For a few months, Paul and I have been brainstorming about what are theme should be for Trunk – 0r- Treat this year.

Paul is going to be Charlie Brown and I will be Lucy! I ordered our costumes yesterday and they are adorable! The costume comes with a mask of their faces, so it won’t just be the outfits they wear. We are planning on designing the red doghouse to go around and over our truck bed and add a snoopy dog and pumpkins to tie everything together!

We are SO excited!!!! We haven’t dressed up or decorated our trunk like this before, so it will be so fun to do!

I just LOVE Halloween! It’s always fun to see how creative people get and to see how people decorate their trunks or homes. Bring on the candy and fun!

Can’t wait to see how it all comes together!

Until next time,

Robyn

Where to start?

Paul has recently celebrated his first year as the youth minister at Oakwood Baptist Church and has stayed busy and happy. The youth are really a wonderful group, so many different personalities and they just love one another so well.

The youth at X-fuge

We also went on vacation to Portland and stayed a few days in Seattle as well for a wedding.Our sweet friends opened their home to us and gave us an amazing tour of Portland. We saw beautiful sites and ate wonderful food. My best friend got married in Tacoma, Washington. It was a sweet ceremony and it always an honor to witness something as great as a marriage beginning.

The beautiful bride

Our sweet friends

Me and my love

Also, over my absence, my niece was born on April 29th, 2010. I had the privilege of witnessing her birth, she is a precious girl.

Not even a day old yet

Now, she is almost 5 months old!!!

As for me, I graduated from nursing school in May and am now working as an RN (registered nurse) at University Medical Center on an Orthopedic/ Med-surg floor.  I am sure I will have many stories to share with you all regarding this new transition.

Well, that is it for now, until next time

-Robyn

I am thankful for opportunities to be able to get away, relax, and enjoy things that are special to us. We decided last minute to take a trip to Santa Fe, NM. Life is hectic. Sometimes I welcome it because it brings wisdom, but there are times it brings stress and various other emotions that hinder us from enjoying hard work and from enjoying each other. Fortunately, we were able to get away for a few days and just renew our spirits.

We arrived in Santa Fe about 2:30 and grabbed lunch at Upper Crust Pizza downtown. It has been voted the best in Santa Fe and was even featured on the Food Network! We definitely understood why. The flavor was amazing! We had the Margarita pizza-the mozzarella was so fresh and the crust was amazing! It is worth the price, but I would suggest getting a small pizza, which was 10″. We had the large, but ended up having three very large slices left. You can choose to eat inside, which is very nice, but we opted to eat outside on the porch area. We got to enjoy the weather but also see all the interesting people walk by.

We saw the oldest house and church in the United States, we walked around downtown to look at the shops and see the local art festival that was going on. The culture is amazing and the art is so interesting! Although I am not artsy at all, I do have an appreciation for it  and the people who express themselves in that way. Speaking of art, we had the opportunity to enjoy the Georgia O’Keeffe Museum. We enjoyed her art and we also enjoyed a short documentary about her life and work. It was nice to learn more about who she was, not just what she painted.

We enjoyed several restaurants! 
If you enjoy true mexican cooking try The Shed. It is true Mexican cooking, they use blue corn tortillas which are smothered with red and green chile. YUM! This is what Paul ordered!

 If you are wanting something sweet, try: The Flying Star
If you want chocolate in its purest form, try: Kakawa Chocolate House
It is an interesting and unique shop, full of chocolate treats and chocolate elixirs made by the owner. He has taken chocolate recipes from historic recipes that span the time period from 1000 BC to the mid 1900’s AD. The owner definitely has a passion for what he does and I am glad because the chocolate elixir I tried was out of this world!

On Sunday evening, we decided to join Santa Fe on celebrating their 400th anniversary!  The local symphony played a t Fort Marcy ballpark where those attending brought their own blankets or chairs to sit on and got to eat the food of the local vendors while listening. We were SO excited, but it began to rain and although we endured about 45 minutes of it, we decided to make the trek back to our hotel to enjoy a warm room and dry clothes! It was so fun despite being rained on!

Before we left on Monday, we drove to Estrella Del Norte vineyards. The owner was so inviting and kind and we got to enjoy the company of an older couple from California. It is peaceful and so worth the 20 minute drive north of Santa Fe to Nambe.

  It was fun and exciting to say the least! We took in each beautiful moment and just enjoyed each other immensely!

Now back to studying and clinicals…..

Blessings, Robyn

Romans 12:9

The last thing I wanted to do yesterday was go into work. Even though it was only going to be 4 hours of my time, it seemed like an eternity. I was beat down by the busy week I had in school, I was stressed because my house was a wreck, I needed to clean the bathroom, finish doing a load of towels, not to mention study for an exam on Monday, and spend quality time with my husband because I felt like I haven’t seen him since school started. I will be honest, I was about to call in and cancel, but didn’t.

I begrudgingly lifted myself from my comfy bed, changed into work clothes, kissed the husband good-bye and headed into work. On my way I thought of all the negative things I didn’t like about the floor I was assigned to, not a great way to start a shift.   

It was a busy day. 17 patients all needing vital signs, some needing water refilled, others needing to go to the bathroom or needing a bath. I had nurses calling out things they need me to do, trash cans needed to be emptied,  I had families that needed to be comforted and some that needed grace. Why am I here today?

I was there yesterday to comfort and pray for a man in his late thirties as he deals with the reality that he needs a heart transplant. He pours his thoughts out to me and he pours his fears out to me. He cries. He wants life. He wants to live. His family is in Louisiana. He is alone. But I let him know he is not alone. I am here! The Lord is present even in your crisis! HE is your life! HE is in this room! HE knows your fears. HE is grieving with you! I went into his room before I left so I could say good-bye. I can’t get him out of my thoughts. Jesus, give him strength.

I was there yesterday to walk  with a man in his seventies down the hallway. He was precious. He pushed himself to go further than he did the day before. And guess what?  He did. I witnessed it. I rejoiced with him, his wife and his son. I was there yesterday to rejoice and encourage.

I am glad I was there yesterday. I didn’t want to be at first. When I become a nurse, I hope I never forget to rejoice and bring comfort. I know that there will be days that are not ideal, but ultimately I hope to never lose focus on what the Lord has called us to do.

I love His calling for His people.

-Robyn

* photo courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/papyrist/2960548195/